If I had any doubt about it before

I don't now. I am a full-blown alcoholic. That's who I am and will be always, whether I am drinking or sober.

There went my 2 months of sobriety. I'm determined not to let it happen again though. I WANT to be sober. I WILL be.

First night in a long time I've really actually wanted to get drunk. Sucks. If for no other reason, my sober time is keeping me sober longer. I don't want another day one.

I am so weak.

I still have a lot of growing to do. Was around full bottles of alcohol this weekend and had the opportunity to drink. I didn't, but god did I want to. Even though I really didn't want to. That doesn't make sense at all but it's how I felt, and would feel if someone put alcohol in front of me right now. I want to not have the urge to drink anymore.

I've been thinking about trying to find a meeting to go to. It's just difficult when I work 40 hours a week, half of those being nights, and only have a permit to drive to school, work, and interlock appointments. I really want to find people my age I can talk to though. The meetings around here are old men or for NA. Which of course is fine but from what I saw in rehab there's this line between alcoholics and drug addicts. There shouldn't be, but there is. And I want to be around people who understand and relate to my struggle with alcohol. I don't know if that means I'm contributing to that line or not.

Feeling really down today. I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a month. Can't explain why either. Probably good that I have to work though, hopefully it'll keep my mind busy.

At least I don't want to drink today. There's always that.

New year resolution:

Stay sober.

There are others that I'll add later, but that's the most important one. I've been sober for a month and a half so far and it's the best time I've had in a while.